God's Not Hiding

Not sure about you, but I have found myself asking the question “Where are you God?” several times along my journey.

As women, we are often the ones who are not in the least bit afraid or embarrassed to ask for directions right?

So when things don’t seem to be heading the way we thought, it’s natural for us to begin asking “Where are we? Can we pull over and ask?”

It’s interesting that these are amongst the most vivid memories I have etched in my mind. Times where we were relentlessly asking, “God- where are you?” Why so vivid? Because of the way He showed up. In most cases, it was really me who opened my eyes to SEE where He was…

“You shouldn’t have brought him here. You should have gone directly to the hospital.”

Sitting in some type of initial shock, I found myself beginning to move slowly out the back door of the doctor’s office and into an ambulance. What is happening?

This was not in my plan.

We were rushed into ICU and after watching my little boy get hooked up to machines, tubes, IV and several things I have no idea what their purpose was, that initial shock moved quickly into reality and fear. My husband arrived moments after us.

We both looked with helpless heavy hearts at our 6yr old son who was laying there weak, and so afraid.

Tears rolling down his face he could barely get the words out, “Daddy, I’m so thirsty.” We were just informed he couldn’t have any water due to the fact that they were struggling to get his oxygen up and at that point awaiting a decision to begin creating a tracheostomy.(A surgically made hole that goes through the front of your neck and into your trachea (TRA-ke-ah), or windpipe)

We were fervently praying, then I looked at my husband and said, “Stay here, I’ll be right back.” As I bolted out of the room, I was stopped by his nurse, “Mrs. Baker, where are you going? Your son is in a very critical state. I don’t think you fully understand what’s going on here. He’s not improving- you need to stay close by.”

I quickly replied, “Ma’am- I do understand, he needs a miracle and I will be right back!” What she didn’t know is that I was rushing out of the door to get a moment alone with the “One in charge.”

Of all places, the closest bench I could find outside was the smoking section. I didn’t care, I was desperate and I didn’t care where I sat or who heard me.

“God- where are you? I am asking you to hear our prayers. I am thankful for the wisdom of this medical staff, but you are the only one who can turn this around right now. I’m not going back in that room, in the face of my son, without knowing 100% that you are HERE.”

I waited quietly for a moment, that felt more like 15 minutes, until the peace and assurance came.

In this moment, I found myself in the “eye” of the storm.

He wasn’t hiding-this is where He was the entire time. As I finished praying I looked up to find the same nurse next to me on the bench. It was her break, shift change. She had no idea I was out there.

She began to tell me, with teary eyes, that she can’t explain what just happened before she left.

Things had suddenly shifted, his lungs were responding to their care and his oxygen levels were now increasing. She said she understood now why I came out here. I smiled and ran back into the ICU.

We continued to pray and our son continued to improve. He was moved to a regular room that evening, was up playing video games and making friends with all the staff the next day. We had no reason to stay by the 3rd morning, we were able to go home.

As you can only imagine, we walked away from the hospital that day with a deeper level of gratitude and faith.

I left knowing that God is not trying to make me guess where He is—and the next time I face a challenge to just simply ask. He’s not a major code I have to try and crack each time. He’s already with me.

Just like I believe Gods not hiding, I also believe He’s not limited or in a box.

He can do anything, anyway He wants to. There’s also been plenty of times we have had to just trust Him and leave things unanswered as well.

As I reflect on it all, I have noticed a few common responses in me that have helped give me clarity:

• Processing
  Embracing and processing the situation for what it is, rather than looking for ways to escape it. Allowing myself to actually move from initial shock or unbelief that it’s happening, into reality – let’s face it! Actually I have seen many stuck, spinning their wheels for years, right here in “trying to figure it out” through processing. This is not a position I choose to stay in long. It’s necessary, but I’m looking to move quickly into the next place.

• Pause
  I look for a place that I can get pause and get alone to pray. Here is where I can get quiet inside and listen for the response, instruction, leading that comes. No matter how hectic or busy I may feel I am, I have to find a place to get to…even for a moment.

• Peace
  Wait for it- wait for it- wait for it- here comes the peace! I wait for peace to come and be my guide. Peace is like a compass. I will wait for it patiently and often the peace will come in such a sweet way that massages my troubled heart, gives me assurance and direction. I will also add, there have been times when peace has come and I will receive correction as well. This comes like a nudge in my heart towards obedience.

• People
  After I’ve walked through the first few, then I will go and seek more prayer and wisdom. Often we do the opposite order right? The people I personally confide in and trust the most are those in my life who will respond to me with “What did God show you or how can we come along side and believe with you?” vs “I just can’t believe this- this is too bad, you don’t deserve this” I read once that a warrior looks to be empowered more than sympathy. That can sound harsh to some but the truth is, I would much rather learn and grow in whatever trial I’m in, so the next time I’m faced with something similar, I have better wisdom to rise up and overcome it- or even better- avoid it if possible! Of course we have true compassion for one another- but we prefer to give and receive empathy coupled with prayer and wisdom.

I believe as humans, we are naturally prone to just go into automatic panic, doubt, question or anger mode when situations arise.

God is not hiding, the reality is, we are often not looking for Him in the RIGHT places.

Did you know it’s possible to actually fight a battle though a position of peace?

I haven’t “arrived” there yet in any way- but I am thankful to be growing in this and able to apply His presence and peace in each season of my life!